I was going to post a Thanksgiving recipe today but I have something else that I want to get off my chest.
I was watching one of Bonny Rebecca’s latest youtube videos and suddenly realized how much pressure I’ve been putting on myself, especially with my wedding in 3 weeks. I never fell for the “shredding for the wedding” mentality because that’s just not me, but I still set unattainable goals. I’ve been freaking out that my body hasn’t changed that much since I’ve been doing pilates, light cardio and yoga religiously for the past 6 months. Not burning myself out, but trying to go about toning up in a healthy way by getting stronger. I already eat a healthy plant based diet with no sugar or processed foods.
Honestly I’ve gotten a lot stronger but my stomach isn’t much different and still has some love handles. I guess I thought magically they would disappear in time for my big day?! That I would suddenly be at the same weight I was in college?! Lol welp that has not been the case. My arms have gotten more toned and I know there are stomach muscles under there somewhere but my body weight and overall look has stayed basically the same. And somehow, I feel like a failure for this. Often I think because I’m plant based, I should be skinnier, which is crazy.
In Florida, I asked Terry to take a picture of me in a bikini and it ruined my entire day. It’s all I could think about. The shadows were terrible and all I could see was a stomach with no ab lines and some bloating (I’m working on a post about my candida protocol). I think this has a lot to do with the fact that my stomach hasn’t been feeling great because I’ve been having candida flare-ups. Not feeling good can contribute to being more self conscious and feeling bigger than you actually are. Sometimes you are just bloated (it seems like I always am no matter what I do). But I have high hopes that one day my stomach will feel better.
I guess I just thought this process of “getting ready for the wedding” would go a lot smoother but at this point, I just have to accept and love my body for what it is, which is insanely hard to do.
I also realized my body shape is unrecognized in social media.
What we typically see is either a super skinny model with abs and no rolls when she sits down, or plus size models. But I’m somewhere in the middle. Where are those models? I have hip dips and not a perfect stomach with washboard abs. I have a couple rolls when I sit down. My boobs are so saggy and huge and make me self-conscious. But that’s my body. Maybe there are some other gut issues I’m unaware of right now, but they probably won’t fix themselves in 3 weeks.
Even being a “wellness” blogger, I compare myself to these models that I see on instagram and then despise my body for the rest of the day. Even most of the dietitians I follow are naturally very thin and don’t have the same body type I do which can be very triggering. I know this yet I still fall for it. I also know that I can stop and unfollow these girls that don’t represent my body type. My fiancé loves my body!
There is a lot of pressure put on brides to be in the best shape of their lives on their big day. Everyone is judging you… you know? I’ve been putting in a lot of work but I will most likely not look like the girls I follow, so why do I self sabotage? (me realizing I have a lot of self work to do…). Why put myself through that type of torture?!
This post is a total mind dump and I’m sorry if it doesn’t resonate with you but for my mental health, I have to do something different. I love my body, I really do. It has done so much healing for me this year and has come such a long way from being ridden with parasites and infections and skin problems. I need to start treating it better and find girls to follow who represent what my body looks like, not some unattainable image from instagram that was probably edited. One day, I will probably look back and wish I had the body I do now. Life is funny that way.
Okay now I’m going out of my comfort zone and posting some real, unedited pics. Eek!
I’m not sure what I wanted to get out of posting this, but maybe it can help someone out there with a body type like mine. Love you all!
I completely resonate with this.. My body is also ‘in-between’ skinny and big.
Working on loving myself more every day- glad to see you are too!
Hi – found your blog from Amazon. This was a beautiful and raw post, thank you. I am curious if you have seriously considered going back to meat/animal products? It seems like your plant based diet isn’t giving you perfect health and the body you want. The energy and time we put into eating and cooking should not take so much of our mental space. I have struggled with similar issues, and have decided to go back to non-veganism, hence am reaching out to ask.. out of both compassion and of the desire to question everything critically 🙂 Thank you in advance.
I LOVE this post! Thank you for sharing and inspiring us. I am in the wellness industry too and I have had the exact same thoughts about “why am I not smaller”? And then after undereating for a few years and driving myself crazy…I just decided that eating less wasn’t doing anything LOL so I am just going to eat and remind myself that my body is exactly how it is supposed to be.
And I think that #1. social media is super edited. Most of what we see isn’t real….
#2 We are our own worst critic….so I try to remember that when I don’t like my thighs because yea they aren’t my favorite but we aren’t going to like every part of our body. And people are worried about themselves more than me.
So just a few thoughts to add to the convo! You look great and your wedding pics were gorgeous can’t wait to see more wedding posts! xox
You look fabulous! Enjoy your wedding day: I’m sure you will look beautiful. It’s a very special day.
We chatted on Instagram about this, but I’m here reading this and had to say. I get you, I understand this all so much. For me it’s the fellow yoga teachers and the lack of representation of my size in the industry that triggers me. Also I feel the absolute pain and frustration of bloating and candida related issues. I should share more on social media about all this, it mad me sad to think you felt alone in this when your page has made me feel not alone in all of this.
Thank you so much for sharing. I am also getting married in 3 weeks! December 7th, how about you? I’ve been really focusing on my health during my engagement but have also experienced the same unrealistic expectations for this crazy wedding body. It’s so silly when I stop and think about it – we aren’t alone! I haven’t seen much of a change in my body, although I cut processed foods and sugar for %80 of my diet for the past 6 months. BUT what has changed is my knowledge about food/exercise, the amount of time I am able to hold a plank, and a new healthy AF foundation entering my marriage!! Thanks again for sharing your brain dump, it was a relief to read and learn my feelings are “normal”. Wishing you all the best!!