I was going to post a Thanksgiving recipe today but I have something else that I want to get off my chest.
I was watching one of Bonny Rebecca’s latest youtube videos and suddenly realized how much pressure I’ve been putting on myself, especially with my wedding in 3 weeks. I never fell for the “shredding for the wedding” mentality because that’s just not me, but I still set unattainable goals. I’ve been freaking out that my body hasn’t changed that much since I’ve been doing pilates, light cardio and yoga religiously for the past 6 months. Not burning myself out, but trying to go about toning up in a healthy way by getting stronger. I already eat a healthy plant based diet with no sugar or processed foods.
Honestly I’ve gotten a lot stronger but my stomach isn’t much different and still has some love handles. I guess I thought magically they would disappear in time for my big day?! That I would suddenly be at the same weight I was in college?! Lol welp that has not been the case. My arms have gotten more toned and I know there are stomach muscles under there somewhere but my body weight and overall look has stayed basically the same. And somehow, I feel like a failure for this. Often I think because I’m plant based, I should be skinnier, which is crazy.
In Florida, I asked Terry to take a picture of me in a bikini and it ruined my entire day. It’s all I could think about. The shadows were terrible and all I could see was a stomach with no ab lines and some bloating (I’m working on a post about my candida protocol). I think this has a lot to do with the fact that my stomach hasn’t been feeling great because I’ve been having candida flare-ups. Not feeling good can contribute to being more self conscious and feeling bigger than you actually are. Sometimes you are just bloated (it seems like I always am no matter what I do). But I have high hopes that one day my stomach will feel better.
I guess I just thought this process of “getting ready for the wedding” would go a lot smoother but at this point, I just have to accept and love my body for what it is, which is insanely hard to do.
I also realized my body shape is unrecognized in social media.
What we typically see is either a super skinny model with abs and no rolls when she sits down, or plus size models. But I’m somewhere in the middle. Where are those models? I have hip dips and not a perfect stomach with washboard abs. I have a couple rolls when I sit down. My boobs are so saggy and huge and make me self-conscious. But that’s my body. Maybe there are some other gut issues I’m unaware of right now, but they probably won’t fix themselves in 3 weeks.
Even being a “wellness” blogger, I compare myself to these models that I see on instagram and then despise my body for the rest of the day. Even most of the dietitians I follow are naturally very thin and don’t have the same body type I do which can be very triggering. I know this yet I still fall for it. I also know that I can stop and unfollow these girls that don’t represent my body type. My fianc? loves my body!
There is a lot of pressure put on brides to be in the best shape of their lives on their big day. Everyone is judging you… you know? I’ve been putting in a lot of work but I will most likely not look like the girls I follow, so why do I self sabotage? (me realizing I have a lot of self work to do…). Why put myself through that type of torture?!
This post is a total mind dump and I’m sorry if it doesn’t resonate with you but for my mental health, I have to do something different. I love my body, I really do. It has done so much healing for me this year and has come such a long way from being ridden with parasites and infections and skin problems. I need to start treating it better and find girls to follow who represent what my body looks like, not some unattainable image from instagram that was probably edited. One day, I will probably look back and wish I had the body I do now. Life is funny that way.
Okay now I’m going out of my comfort zone and posting some real, unedited pics. Eek!
I’m not sure what I wanted to get out of posting this, but maybe it can help someone out there with a body type like mine. Love you all!